“I Can't Orgasm with My Husband Because I Can't Get Over the Fact that He Masturbates to Other Women”
Ooooo girl. I SO get it.
This is a hard truth to admit, but, believe me, you’re not alone. I have worked with sooo many women that feel exactly the same way—you want to experience deep, intimate connection with your husband—emotionally and physically—but you find yourself blocked by something you can’t shake: the fact that he masturbates to other women. I’m sure reading it now even made your skin crawl just a little.
In this blog we’ll uncover some of the layers beneath all of that ick feeling, and give you a solid way out. I’m here to tell ya—what you’re experiencing isn’t just about the act of masturbation itself; it’s about trust, desire, self-worth, and your sense of safety within the relationship. Sex is pretty much the watering hole for our deepest and darkest (and our shiniest and most enjoyable!) parts.
So let’s break down some of the common emotions that are probably bubbling up for you, why they’re so difficult to navigate, and the reason they are giving you the ick:
1. Feeling Like You’re Not Enough
When you discover that your partner is seeking pleasure outside of your intimate relationship—even if it’s through masturbation and fantasy—it can trigger deep feelings of inadequacy. Questions like “Am I not attractive enough?” or “Why does he need other women to get turned on?” might flood your mind. These thoughts can gnaw away at your self-esteem, making it hard to feel desirable in the bedroom.
But here’s the truth: this isn’t about you not being enough. Many people, men and women alike, masturbate as an outlet for sexual release, fantasy, or stress relief. It doesn’t necessarily diminish their desire or love for their partner. However, understanding this logically doesn’t mean it’s easy to process emotionally.
2. The Comparison Trap
Comparison is a thief of joy, especially when it comes to sexual relationships. If you know or imagine who your partner is fantasizing about, you might find yourself comparing your body, your sexual skills, or your desirability to someone else’s. And let’s be real, the people he’s fantasizing about are often the airbrushed, fantasy versions of women, not real people with real bodies.
This comparison trap creates a disconnect between you and your own body. If you’re feeling insecure or uncomfortable, you’re less likely to feel sexually empowered or aroused when you’re with him. It becomes nearly impossible to reach orgasm because your mind is too busy critiquing your body or measuring yourself against some unattainable ideal.
3. Mistrust and Betrayal
Even if there’s no infidelity in the traditional sense, finding out that your husband masturbates to other women can feel like a betrayal. It’s not uncommon to feel like he’s broken an unspoken bond of intimacy or that you’re not enough to fulfill his sexual desires. These feelings can create a wedge between you two, one that’s hard to overcome without open communication.
Trust is a key ingredient in a healthy sex life. If you feel betrayed, it might be affecting your ability to fully let go and experience pleasure during sex. When there’s tension, suspicion, or resentment in the air, your body can tighten up, making it hard to relax into an orgasm.
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Soo… What can you do?
It’s all well and good to understand the emotional storm that’s going on in your body, but what can you and your hubby do about it? How can y’all get over this freaking hump that you’re embarrassed you’re even in at all.
Your Boundaries and Sexual Needs Matter
Your feelings are valid. If knowing that your husband masturbates to other women deeply hurts you, it’s important to communicate that. Sometimes we internalize feelings of jealousy or insecurity as something we need to “fix” within ourselves, but this is a moment where both partners need to be heard and understood. Maybe it’s time to explore what your sexual boundaries and needs are, and how your partner’s actions align or conflict with them.
It’s okay to set boundaries around sexual behavior, especially if it’s preventing you from experiencing pleasure. If your partner is willing to listen, this can lead to a deeper understanding and perhaps a compromise that works for both of you.
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Reclaiming Your Pleasure
One of the hardest parts of dealing with this situation is the way it can disconnect you from your own body and pleasure. You might feel too distracted by resentment, too insecure to let go, or too mistrustful to open up during sex. This can cause a spiral where your own orgasm feels even further out of reach.
One way to reclaim your pleasure is to start focusing on you again. Reconnect with your body outside of the relationship. Rediscover what turns you on, what makes you feel sexy, and how you can meet your own sexual needs. When you own your pleasure, you’re less likely to feel dependent on your partner’s actions to feel sexually fulfilled.
Remember, orgasms aren’t just about physical stimulation—they’re about feeling safe, seen, and desired. By focusing on your relationship with yourself, you can begin to strengthen your sense of self-worth and confidence, which may, in turn, help you heal this sexual disconnect with your partner.
Communicate with Vulnerability
The only way to truly resolve this issue is through open and vulnerable communication. It’s essential to talk to your husband about how his behavior makes you feel without turning it into an attack. You could start by expressing your feelings of hurt, insecurity, and how his actions are affecting your intimacy. Then, ask about his perspective—why does he choose to masturbate to other women? What does that mean for him? This is a chance for you both to explore your desires and fears in a safe, non-judgmental space.
Remember, no one has a perfect sex life, and intimacy ebbs and flows within long-term relationships. You deserve to feel secure and fulfilled in your sexual connection with your husband, and that can only happen when you both are willing to listen and grow together.
And finally… You Deserve Pleasure
Being unable to orgasm because of something like this can feel like an impossible barrier, but you don’t have to face it alone or suffer in silence. The key to overcoming this roadblock lies in self-exploration, communication, and setting boundaries that help you feel safe, seen, and valued in your relationship. You deserve a pleasurable, fulfilling sex life—one where both you and your partner can explore intimacy without shame or resentment.
Finally get out of your bedroom limbo… Learn how to navigate & SOLVE mismatched desire in the bedroom.
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